The bloggers who came before me here are some of the best in the business. They are all funny and talented writers, and their posts serve as excellent reminders of the similarities that unite Canadians and Americans.
So why stop there? It’s time to think BIG.
Effective immediately, I declare the lands once known as Canada and United States of America to be one big, badass mega-nation—the nation of Canadica. Check it out:That’s right, 7.65 million square miles of awesome. That officially makes us the largest—as well as the greatest—country on earth. Take that, Russia, with your measly 6.6 million square miles.
Eventually we’ll sort out the pesky details about form of government, healthcare, etc., but first we have to talk about forging a new national identity. For starters, we need a new flag. The best solution is to simply merge the two we have now:
Then there’s the question of a national symbol. Canada’s national symbol is the beaver. America’s is the bald eagle. Both are nice, but we need an official animal that’s more suited to our elevated status in the world. And there’s only one that fits the bill.
The rose is the official flower of the United States. Canada has the maple leaf, which is just as nice and has fewer thorns. But we need a new horticultural symbol. And so, my fellow Canadicans, I am pleased to present Toxicodendron radicans. You may know it better as poison ivy. I think it’s a perfect reflection of Canadica: if you fuck with us, we’ll be all over you like a bad rash.
O Canada vs Star-Spangled Banner
Winner: O Canada. The American national anthem is a hot mess. It’s impossible to hit all those notes, and nobody remembers all the words anyway. O Canada has a much nicer melody and it’s much easier to sing. We’ll tweak the words a little for Canadica and it will be great. Besides, if I hear one more singer perform those teeth-grindingly awful vocal gymnastics during the Star-Spangled Banner, I promise you that I will commit mass murder on a horrifying scale.
Canadian dollars vs US dollars
Winner: Canadian dollars—which, by the way, are currently worth more than their American cousins. Again, we’ll have to modify the currency for Canadica, but I, for one, am looking forward to using Loonies and Toonies. Also, Canadian paper money is prettier and more colorful than US greenbacks. And that’s what really matters most.
National System of Weights and Measures
Metric/Celsius vs US system
Winner: US system. What’s with the obsession with the number 10, anyway? Why on earth would you want to be trapped within the tight confines of the metric system and the Celsius temperature scale, when you can enjoy the freedom and flexibility of multiplying by 4, 8, or 16, dividing by 3, 12, or 5,280, and working with a sliding scale between 0 and 212 degrees? It’s so much easier this way.
Canadica’s official languages will be English, French, and also Spanish. However, Former Canadians, please take note that you will now use the English formerly known as American English. At your earliest possible convenience, kindly remove all your U’s from colour, honour, flavour, etc., and reverse the “r” and “e” in words like centre, theatre, etc. And please note that the last letter of the alphabet should be pronounced “zee,” as God intended.
Now, you should know that we will all have to make some behavioral adjustments and embrace some new customs.
For example: Former Canadians, you’re famous for your politeness and modesty. That’s going to have to change. You’ll need to rude it up a little if you’re going to hang with Former Americans. I recommend cutting your use of “please,” “thank you,” and “excuse me” by at least half if you don’t want to stick out like a sore thumb. Try throwing a few more swear words into your vocabulary. A well-placed “fuck you” will go a long way. You’ll find that Former Americans are a simple people; the more four-letter words you use, the better off you’ll be.
And you’ll want to think about stocking up on firearms. Because as you’ll learn, if Former Americans understand anything, it’s guns and gratuitous violence. I’m not saying you have to run right out and buy an AK-47 or a shotgun. Start out small. A nice .38 Special, for example, is a great starter piece. It’s all about baby steps.
Former Americans, you’re not off the hook. You’re going to have to be a little more polite and respectful, especially towards our new compatriots. I know, I know, it sucks. But I have faith in you. You can do this! Remember, they’re human beings just like you—only nicer and quieter. Also, it would be helpful if you learned a few things about our friends up north. Believe me, I love me some Rush as much as the next person, and yes, there is a lot of snow and maple syrup up there, but there’s a lot more to Former Canadians than that. For instance, did you know they play hockey?
Also, no more Bud, Rolling Rock, Miller Light, or any other US-made swill. All American beers, with very few exceptions, will be abolished. It’s for your own good. Get used to ordering Moosehead, Labatt’s, Molson’s—ANYTHING except that piss water you’ve been drinking all these years.
And finally, my Canadican brothers and sisters, I would like to share with you our new official state seal. You’ll be seeing this on your new passports and official documents.
Our new state motto is derived from a search term someone used to find my blog: “America because fuck you.” The pithy elegance of this phrase made me weep. So I adapted it for use here. “Canadica ergo futue te ipsum” basically means “Canadica because fuck you” in Latin. Because it’s classy. Like us.