What I know aboot Canada could fit inside an arctic hare pellet, but that hasn’t stopped me from loudly proclaiming “I’m moving to Canada” when things don’t go my way in the ol’ US of A.
The time I ordered a Caramel Brulee Latte® at Starbucks and received a Caramel Macchiato® instead? Moving to Canada.
The time the Apple Store concierge could not make a reservation for the Ruby Tuesday’s in the mall food court? Moving to Canada.
The time I posted this on Facebook and only got three likes?
Moving to Canada.
But apparently it is easier to insert yourself into a moose anus than become a Canadian citizen. According to some Forbes article I was too lazy to read, it’s hard, like you can’t just proclaim “I’m here, bitches!” and stick a flag with your face on it in someone’s yard.
You have to do stuff–have a job, identify five actors in the Canadian soap opera Hillside (later known as Fifteen), possibly fight a bear, pass a citizenship test.
Most of these seem pretty doable. I once worked at KFC so I have skillz, but can I pass a citizenship test with my willful ignorance and refusal to learn anything about Canada?
Let’s see.
1. What are the three main types of industry in Canada?
Easy: Le Clown, poutine and bear thongs.
2. Canada has three territories and how many provinces?
Well the United States has 50–sometimes 49 states when one decides its going to secede–so I’m going to say…boring question. Next.
3. List four rights Canadian citizens have.
- The right to insert the letter “u” whereveru you waunt.
- The right to eat Cheezies.
- The right to put maple syrup on everything.
- The right to play hockey.
4. Which province in Canada is the smallest in land size?
Rhode Island.
5. Name two key documents that contain our rights and freedom.
The Molson Canadian beer bottle label and Nickelback’s “Rockstar” lyric sheet.
Nailed it.
Seriously, if this doesn’t get me in, I’m moving to America.
This post was written by Speaker7. She should apologize for being so ignorant, but since she’s American, she’s embracing it.
Speaker7,
Le Clown eating poutine while wearing bear thongs is the 8th wonder of the world. The other 7 being stuff, and all.
Le Clown
Le Clown,
I believe this has the makings of a calendar or perhaps a greetings card line. Let’s talk.
Speaker7
do the thongs merely LOOk bearen/ like a bear … or are they made out of a bear? what part(s) of how many bears? what kind of bear? NNN kwire ring mineds, ya know …
i moved from the UK to China two years ago, so G-d knows I am no-one to criticise your
move speaker7 – only one question: ‘WHY CANADA??’ isn’t it USA-lite? the world was(is) your oyster – you could really spread your wings….and we’d love to have you here in Beijing!
There’s just something aboot Canada that l like. Maybe it’s the stereotype that all Canadians are polite. It’s much better than the US stereotype that we are all a-holes.
I LOUVE THIS POUST!
I also will be moving to Canada b/c my father, if he decides to fill in the paperwork, would be able to claim his dual citizenship after he duels (ha ha) a French Canadian bear (which, I’m pretty sure he’s already done as a youth in Canada)…then I can claim sort of citzenship, and maybe get some (le) Clown to sponsor me…or hide me in the basement until I conceeded to try poutine (which, in all likelyhood, will never happen because it’s got gravy on it…but I digress). I’m moving there ASAP or as soon as someone gives me a lot of money to move there; whichever comes last.
And please keep Celine Dion away from me…
Thank yuou. I am jealous of your near citizenshiup.
I’d be more jealous if I had a passport in hand…do you think Le Clown would take me in?
Welcome to Canada, Speaker7. I would say you passed the test with flying colours … or at least the same kind of colours that all the other people who passed and moved her did.
Does this mean I have to spell colors as colours now?
You can spell it any way you want. But only you.
Funny as hell S7. But Nickelback? They are my gift to you (the U.S.). Merry Fucking Christmas. Your welcome.
I would like to exchange Nickelback for Joni Mitchell please.
I can’t believe you only got three likes for that inspiring picture of Jesus crawling out of a flag mountain. People just aren’t patriotic anymore, are they? Also, I like your idea of planting a flag and saying “I’m here, bitches.” Pretty much what the earlier explorers did, right? I like Canada. Good healthcare, people too tired to war with each other, and moose. Moose are cute. But it’s cold. They need to fix that somehow.
I wouldn’t worry about the weather so much. Canada may be the place to be when the areas in warmer climates are completely submerged underwater due to global warming.
Hilarious! I do the same thing!
Let’s not forget they want you to have at least $14,000 Canadian dollars in your bank account too.
For realsy? That’s what…50,000 American dollars? I remember back in the day when the American dollar was actually worth something.
Yup, I seriously looked into immigrating about 2 years ago. If you get recruited and sponsored by a company, it’s one thing, but if you just want to go for the hell of it, you have to be able to pay your way for at least 6 months before they’ll let you in the country!
And don’t forget this one – the right to wear mukluks, including high-heel mukluks, wherever you want.
I had to google that. They look awesome.
Haha. I almost fell out of my chair reading this.
Try to do that in Canada. It has universal health care so your emergency room visit would be covered.
Good advice. I’ll keep it in mind.
I like how you pretend to have never been inside a moose rectum before. So coy.
You know me so well.
See, if you proclaimed that “you’re here, b-word” then *that’s* why you couldn’t be a Canadian citizen. They don’t let potty mouths ruin their good name, aside from Le Clown.
Well….fuck.
No poutine pour toi!!
Will you eat an Aero bar for me when you get there? Love that Canadian chocolate bar.
They look like those chocolite bars from the early 1980s. Do you remember those? Those were delish.
I don’t remember those. And God knows I was around in the 80s. My big bangs must have been blurring my vision, and I walked right past those bars.
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Welcome my deer:
There is some trick questions in that test,,,,one is yes Justin Bieber is the Canadian Prime Minister and yes,,you need to say Sorry after every sentence!
(I’m only telling you this because I like you,,and Le Clown secretly likes to sit in the corner and watch American’s fail the test)!
A-ha! I figured that was the case with Le Clown. Does that mean he is not one of the three main types of industry?
Ohhhhh,,,,and another thing,,,,our Smarties candies are different from what you think they are. Are Smarties are candy coated chocolate,,,we call your Smarties Candy”s Rockets (Canadian Skud Style)
We are so similar yet so different. Why all these candy anomalies?
I believe it was solely done to traumatize my 3 yr old when I moved to the States for 5 years,,lol! She is now 14 and will still say “mom remember when…..”
Haha yesss! I tell people often (whoever will listen…) that I would move to Canada if I could! Love the people there and of course the poutine is freaking delicious!!
I have yet to try poutine, but I do love french fries and gravy so I imagine the addition of cheese turns the whole experience into a feeding orgy.
Oh god yes it’s amazing. I had an spinoff of it in Seattle called “pratties” with the same kind of idea and it was also amazing.
The REAL burning question: when are we going to sell Alaska to Canada so that the Palins are Canadian, and not American?
That was low,,,really low,,,,we aren’t that stoopid!!! Lol!
That would be a fair trade for Nickelback.
Double blast I think I may never be able to move to canada.
Maybe I can disguise myself as one of Le Clown’s clones and sneak in?
Or you could hide away in his clown car.
Enjoy your Kraft Dinner – we’ll miss you.
Is the Canadian version of Kraft mac and cheese actually edible? If yes, then that’s another reason to move.
I hear that they are indistinguishable – Kinda like Hellmans and Best Foods
I love the “u” comment. That made me lol! “Someone said keep Celine Dion away from me.” You know she lives in Vegas now don’t you. Not even in Canada any more. You can keep her by the way.
I would be fine with sealing up all of Las Vegas.
that is one test, with a liddul bit o’ studying, i cood pass. i think. i’ve thot aboottitt: transmogrifying to canadaiga, that is, eh?
Are you sure you’re not a real Canadian?
eye’m knot sure eye’m “(w)reel” — whuddever that is. i’ve been told my ‘accent’ sounds like eye’m furrum the P E I. phurst time i respondid/blurted WHUTT!?! and then lookt it up. ah yes, the kanoodlee road eye-lund.
I think the comments on this post are as funny as your whole post. Who knew Canadians had a sense of humor? I guess you’ll get to keep yours!
We’ve imported the best comedians from Canada.
Brilliant! This is my first Canadica post, and it is amazing-sauce. I like how we have the right to put the ‘u’ in, wherever we’d like. I put an extra ‘u’ in everything. It’s almost like a giant F ‘U’ to the world. From me.
You had me laughing as loudly as one and a half cups of coffee would allow. Bravou.
I never thought of the extra ‘u’ that way. Now it seems beautiful to me.
BeaUtifUl. It’s everywhere.
Hmm….poutine. I’m from New Hampshire, which is kind of like a poor man’s Canada.
I’m late in reading and commenting. I threaten to move to Canada all the time when things here piss me off. Canada is basically the 51st state anyway, except with more snow and the people are more polite.
And it has all those extras u’s which I guess would be useful.
Had me laughing the whole time I read this. Awesome post. I can’t even imagine the expression on a Canadian’s face when he sees a truckload of Americans all disgruntled because the barista forgot to leave room for milk.