Speaker7 Talks Aboot Citizenship

What I know aboot Canada could fit inside an arctic hare pellet, but that hasn’t stopped me from loudly proclaiming “I’m moving to Canada” when things don’t go my way in the ol’ US of A.

The time I ordered a Caramel Brulee Latte® at Starbucks and received a Caramel Macchiato® instead? Moving to Canada.

The time the Apple Store concierge could not make a reservation for the Ruby Tuesday’s in the mall food court? Moving to Canada.

The time I posted this on Facebook and only got three likes?

jesusflagholder

Moving to Canada.

But apparently it is easier to insert yourself into a moose anus than become a Canadian citizen. According to some Forbes article I was too lazy to read, it’s hard, like you can’t just proclaim “I’m here, bitches!” and stick a flag with your face on it in someone’s yard.

You have to do stuff–have a job, identify five actors in the Canadian soap opera Hillside (later known as Fifteen), possibly fight a bear, pass a citizenship test.

Most of these seem pretty doable. I once worked at KFC so I have skillz, but can I pass a citizenship test with my willful ignorance and refusal to learn anything about Canada?

Let’s see.

1. What are the three main types of industry in Canada?

Easy: Le Clown, poutine and bear thongs.

2. Canada has three territories and how many provinces?

Well the United States has 50–sometimes 49 states when one decides its going to secede–so I’m going to say…boring question. Next.

3. List four rights Canadian citizens have.

  1. The right to insert the letter “u” whereveru you waunt.
  2. The right to eat Cheezies.
  3. The right to put maple syrup on everything.
  4. The right to play hockey.

4. Which province in Canada is the smallest in land size?

Rhode Island.

5. Name two key documents that contain our rights and freedom.

The Molson Canadian beer bottle label and Nickelback’s “Rockstar” lyric sheet.

Nailed it.

Seriously, if this doesn’t get me in, I’m moving to America.

This post was written by Speaker7. She should apologize for being so ignorant, but since she’s American, she’s embracing it. 

62 thoughts on “Speaker7 Talks Aboot Citizenship

  1. Speaker7,
    Le Clown eating poutine while wearing bear thongs is the 8th wonder of the world. The other 7 being stuff, and all.
    Le Clown

  2. i moved from the UK to China two years ago, so G-d knows I am no-one to criticise your
    move speaker7 – only one question: ‘WHY CANADA??’ isn’t it USA-lite? the world was(is) your oyster – you could really spread your wings….and we’d love to have you here in Beijing!

    • There’s just something aboot Canada that l like. Maybe it’s the stereotype that all Canadians are polite. It’s much better than the US stereotype that we are all a-holes.

  3. I LOUVE THIS POUST!

    I also will be moving to Canada b/c my father, if he decides to fill in the paperwork, would be able to claim his dual citizenship after he duels (ha ha) a French Canadian bear (which, I’m pretty sure he’s already done as a youth in Canada)…then I can claim sort of citzenship, and maybe get some (le) Clown to sponsor me…or hide me in the basement until I conceeded to try poutine (which, in all likelyhood, will never happen because it’s got gravy on it…but I digress). I’m moving there ASAP or as soon as someone gives me a lot of money to move there; whichever comes last.

    And please keep Celine Dion away from me…

  4. Welcome to Canada, Speaker7. I would say you passed the test with flying colours … or at least the same kind of colours that all the other people who passed and moved her did.

  5. I can’t believe you only got three likes for that inspiring picture of Jesus crawling out of a flag mountain. People just aren’t patriotic anymore, are they? Also, I like your idea of planting a flag and saying “I’m here, bitches.” Pretty much what the earlier explorers did, right? I like Canada. Good healthcare, people too tired to war with each other, and moose. Moose are cute. But it’s cold. They need to fix that somehow.

    • I wouldn’t worry about the weather so much. Canada may be the place to be when the areas in warmer climates are completely submerged underwater due to global warming.

  6. Hilarious! I do the same thing!

    Let’s not forget they want you to have at least $14,000 Canadian dollars in your bank account too.

      • Yup, I seriously looked into immigrating about 2 years ago. If you get recruited and sponsored by a company, it’s one thing, but if you just want to go for the hell of it, you have to be able to pay your way for at least 6 months before they’ll let you in the country!

  7. See, if you proclaimed that “you’re here, b-word” then *that’s* why you couldn’t be a Canadian citizen. They don’t let potty mouths ruin their good name, aside from Le Clown.

  8. Pingback: Blogs O’ The Week | Sweet Mother

  9. Welcome my deer:
    There is some trick questions in that test,,,,one is yes Justin Bieber is the Canadian Prime Minister and yes,,you need to say Sorry after every sentence!
    (I’m only telling you this because I like you,,and Le Clown secretly likes to sit in the corner and watch American’s fail the test)!

  10. Ohhhhh,,,,and another thing,,,,our Smarties candies are different from what you think they are. Are Smarties are candy coated chocolate,,,we call your Smarties Candy”s Rockets (Canadian Skud Style) :)

  11. Brilliant! This is my first Canadica post, and it is amazing-sauce. I like how we have the right to put the ‘u’ in, wherever we’d like. I put an extra ‘u’ in everything. It’s almost like a giant F ‘U’ to the world. From me. :D
    You had me laughing as loudly as one and a half cups of coffee would allow. Bravou.

  12. I’m late in reading and commenting. I threaten to move to Canada all the time when things here piss me off. Canada is basically the 51st state anyway, except with more snow and the people are more polite.

  13. Had me laughing the whole time I read this. Awesome post. I can’t even imagine the expression on a Canadian’s face when he sees a truckload of Americans all disgruntled because the barista forgot to leave room for milk.

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