Canada, the 5th Whitest Country on Earth

This is the first post for Canadica – an amazing, mind-feckin’, cocktail of brain-blowing, seismic (purportedly) true facts from both Canadian and American bloggers displayed in a cutesy cocktail number.  Okay, maybe that’s just the over-the-top way I describe it because I am, after all, American.  Let’s face it, we do everything big.  Don’t blame me, it’s not my fault.  We don’t choose where we are born.  If you want to blame someone, blame my mother.  She chose it.

I know this because my mother lived in Canada once.  She was an immigrant there, just as she was an immigrant in America once.  My mother claims the Canadian government even offered to give her land to entice her to stay, but she didn’t want to wear snow-shoes and live in Saskatche-feckin’-Wan, which is way different than San Juan.  So, momma decided to head to New York where she promptly met my father and laid her eggs.  Eggs from which I was hatched.  So, am I proud to be American?  Yes.  I am as proud as you can be to spin a roulette wheel and land on “lucky number 7.”

Now, Canadians typically think Americans don’t know the slightest thing about Canada.  This is not true.  I know a lot of things about Canada.  I know they like hockey, and maple syrup, and Celine Dion, and sliding a rubber tire down a slab of ice while slowly chasing it with a broom, I suppose, in case the rubber tire goes number 2!

“Did you go poopsey, little puck?” COME ON, DOES ANYONE UNDERSTAND THIS SPORT??!!

I also know that Canada is the 5th Whitest Country on Earth.

I have deduced this fact by embarking on one, quick, google search that yielded a webpage containing demographics info on Canada.  Never mind, that the webpage contained a photo of a hot, blonde, slut who apparently wants to meet me.  I’m guessing from her exotic features that she’s also Canadian.

(Surely any website containing striking images of a blonde, wanton, model is more than just factual.  It has got to be born from the very hands of census takers or as they call them up north – The Canadian-People-and-Moose-Counters.)

This very official webpage says that Canada is very white, oh so, very white.  The biggest ethnicities there are Anglos and immediately after that, Frenchies.  Anglo-landia is where they started making white people and Francia is where they continued with that process, albeit in a much more pompous manner.

I say that Canada is 5th whitest because there are countries that are whiter.

There is, for example – Belgium, Greenland, Iceland, Poland…and…and, well, that’s all I can think of.  And for that, very scientific reason, Canada is 5th.

Regardless, Canada DOES have a vibrant mix of ethnic Canadians who are constantly trying to break the chains of free-healthcare and open spaces by exerting their own origins through the arts.  Many times, these Canadian, ethnic, minorities are hiding right before our very eyes.

Today, all of that changes.  Today, I inform the readers of Canadica of the elegantly layered tapestry that is Canada’s huddled masses yearning to break free.  Here, for the first time ever, I present them to thee.  (Thee?  Wtf?)  Sorry, without further adieu, the great minorities of Canada:

African-Canadian, Celine Dion
Born in the Quebec Province city of Cape-Khara-Yum-Yum, Celine grew up singing such fabled folk songs as, “Obama Leave Your Light On,” and “Rolled My Maple Leaf into a Spliff and Filled It With Your Love.”  Many people try to deny Celine’s African roots in favor of her beret-wearing ones, but let’s be honest…could a white person ever, really, sing like that?

Celine Dion, blacker than Whitney and much more alive.

Mexican-Canadian, Alex Trebek
The well known, Alex Trebek was actually born Alejandro Trebekicito in the Mexican province of Oaxaca.  While in Oaxaca, Alejandro became a local celebrity hosting a game show called, Jeopardisimo.  But, as Alejandro tells it, “The bendejo television compania was paying me bullchit.”  So, in search of his fortune, Alejandro left in a hang glider for the blue skies of Canada.  In 1945, Alejandro crossed above some power-lines along the Canadian border where his name was forever shortened to Trebek by a Canadian flying goose.  Alejandro tried to revive Jeopardisimo once his family settled comfortably in Manitoba.  However, as Alejandro put it, “These Canadian putos don’t understand a word of Spanish either.  Might as well try my hand with the Gringos.”  And the rest, my friends, is history.

“You think I am guapo, no?”

First Nations Person, William Shatner
Okay, here in the US of A, we call them Native Americans or Indians, but in Canada – where they give a small degree of a caca about the feelings of others – they call them “First Nations People.”  As in, “Sorry, you were here first.  We get it now.”  And the first of the First Nations People was the kin of William Shatner.  That’s right, the Shatner clan were the original settlers of Canada.  They were Canada’s forefathers and founders…and they’ve been trying to get back there ever since through unbeatable, Priceline, prices – of course!

First Nations, Negotiator!

I hope you enjoyed your first ever installment of Canadica by Sweet Mother.  A new post will appear every week by either a Canadian or American blogger…or by a blogger that has an opinion on one or both of these vibrant, nation-ish entities.  Lastly, everything written here is done so in jest.  If you can’t take a poke, I suggest heading over to Japanica where they slap you if you don’t like the content.  We, at Canadica, would never do that.  So, click the “follow” button at the top of the blog for more continuous fun.

Sweet Mother is blogger and comedian, Rebecca Donohue.  You can follow the Sweet Mother blog here and you can stalk Rebecca here and here.  Wait, not stalk, better said, “become a part of her community.”

Photo creds:

dateme-census, celine, alex, william, curling

117 thoughts on “Canada, the 5th Whitest Country on Earth

  1. I read, I laughed, I snorted, I sprayed coffee out of my nose all over my laptop screen. So much I didn’t know about my fair country and its famous countrymen and woman. You forgot Shania Tawain though. I so much would like to know the truth about her and why she only feels like a woman…

  2. Sweet Mother, you have set the bar high here! Love the Celine Dion thing, had no idea she had African roots and didn’t even know Cape-Khara-Yum-Yum existed but it sounds like a must-see. After all, if “the greatest singer in the world” hails from there, I must go. Also the factoid on Alex was very helpful –it all makes sense now. BTW, where oh where did you find such an awesomely sexy picture of Alex? My life is complete now and this was hilarious. Welcome to Canadica!

    • it is not difficult to find a slutty picture of alex trebeck. he is slutty man candy. someone needs to dedicate a girl porn site to him. immediately. glad you enjoyed the first installment…i think this ride is gonna be fuuuuunnnnn. lol. much love, sm

  3. Great introductory post! And it’s wonderful to see it loaded with so many facts. 😉 However, I must admit, the image of your mother laying eggs and your hatching from said eggs may be a little difficult to shake from my brain…

    Thanks for some genuine laughs!

    • i feel that canadica will be the queen of “facts” – though it may be bar room “facts.” so to speak. you know, something you’d hear across five gin and tonics. late at night when someone whispers, “pssst, i hear john mayer is canadian.” he’s not, but, oh, how i wish he was. sigh. anyhoo, glad you enjoyed. it should be fuuunnnnnn to come. much love, sm

  4. Curling! For some reason, this became a favorite event of my daughter’s when she was little…and she’ll still stay up late to watch it! Well, she stays up late anyway, so she may as well watch it…might put her to sleep! xoM

  5. SM you are on fire with this first post, though I have been asked to root for the other side 🙂 but only by the tenuous link of which face appears on the back of Money. the verdict is still out 😀

    • we’ll take you on whichever side of the fence you’d like to stand. i am very comfortable with that ‘duality’ good sir. and money is for the rich. i am just a lowly blogger… lol. much love, sm

  6. Ooh, fun. Are you going to have lots of guest bloggers, or a regular team of bloggers, or what? I could totally write about Canada. It’s cold and there are moose. Mooses? And now I know Captain Kirk is from there, so I am really learning a lot. Often I’d rather be in Canada than in the United States. Especially with the upcoming election.

    I think I know some about the United States too. Possibly. Though probably not. There aren’t moose in Texas, I’m pretty sure. There might be some in Maine. Or something. It’s possible I don’t know anything and am full of crap. Anyway, your post was great and I can’t wait to see the posts from the other bloggers too.

    Also, is there any possible way we could send Celine BACK to Canada?

    • where in the feck is celine right now? florida? she must be in miami. miami has celine written all over it. let’s go down there, right…oops, i’m tired. nah. i’ll stay and blog. lol. there are moose in alaska and canada, but we could do seven posts on where alaska really is, once you get down to it. i mean it’s in feckin’ canada, but we own it??!! sigh. sort of like the british in india sort of thing and we all know how that worked out. anyhoot, it will be a canadian blogger next and then an american and then a canadian, etc, like that for several months out. we even have a few noncanadians and nonamericans in there blogging about either canada or america. we are open to more bloggers, for sure. right now, we’re covered, but in the near future i’ll put up a how to submit or get on the posting schedule page. so, keep reading and look for that soon. really glad you liked it. much love, sm

      • Thanks! I think Celine is in Vegas. People will listen to anyone there. I’m still amazed Canada is not actually part of the United States. And isn’t it funny how we don’t have illegal Canadians all over the place? No one is trying to pass laws to keep them out. Maybe they blend in better? Or they just dont’ feel like coming here? I don’t know. You should think about that in a blog post.

        Oh, I was going to ask, how often will you guys post?

      • we will be posting once per week. usually on wednesday or thursday. i think the canadians a) sure, blend in a bit more b) are not starving and suffering like the mexicans are at the same rate and b) their country is just much safer and dare i say together than mexico. but, don’t get me started there…that’s a conversation for mexicanadica – our bilingual blog down the road. bwwaaahhhhhha. xo, sm

  7. I decided to look up exactly what % the white people are whiting up the place around here. I could have guessed was pretty high seeing as how I live in the midst of poor, displaced Europeans who took all that land in fecken prairies (your mom made the right choice laying her eggs elsewhere). But all I got was ten pages of hate groups discussing how to increase that percentage. It was scary, SM. I feel paranoid now. But I feel confident that a few fist pumps and lunges from Celine Dion will fix everything.

    • you know, roller. it’s not easy info to find. and when i did find ‘demographics’ on canada…i think i checked the wikipedia on it and the link i’ve included, it’s the pic with the blonde girl photo cred… well, it mainly said anglo and frenchie, which seemed odd to me, but i like those strange little things for the funny. so, i went with that and tried to exploit the poo out of it. now, i know there are brown canadians, but just WHY is it so hard to find the numbers. i find this canada / america thing infinitely interesting because – yes, canada is the number 2 largest country there is, but only by geography. so, that means lots of wide open space, less people. we on the other hand have a ridiculous amount of people, which means more diversity. but, more diversity means more rednecks. so, it’s a very interesting thing all in all… and because i do love canada and the u.s. in some ways, i enjoy having a poke at both. hopefully this blog will do that and it will be fun and exciting and maybe even eye opening for some people all at once. much love, sm

      • “Demographics” was clearly a safer search word than “white people Canada”. In retrospect I totally see how that was a mistake. Anyway, I wonder if it’s because we don’t talk about race here in the same way you do in the US. Not that it’s not an issue, but it’s not at the forefront all the time. Wiki says were 80% white, which feels kind of odd for a country that officially embraces multiculturalism, but there you have it. I guess we’re just embracing all the European nations.

        I also love both countries unabashedly, and it is good to have fun discussions about the relationship between our fair lands. I think this was a fabulous idea on your part and it also makes me happy to see Canadian bloggers have a voice. We don’t all have pipes like Celine.

      • you know, i’ve lived everywhere, 3 continents now and counting – north america, south america, and europe and i have to say CONTEXT and perspective is absolute king. i say that because – for example – scotland (where i lived) is very touchy about race and i mean touchy. you bring it up, they are nervous you are going to be racist. it’s interesting to me because there are almost no black people there – there are indians, what they would call south asians, what we could call people of indian descent. now, i would make the argument that americans talk about race because this is how we deal with race. we talk about it, it’s dealt with, and that’s how we are able to have a black president now. NOOOOOOW, of course, i say that from the pedestal of someone who was born and raised in and right around new york city, which is 40% foreign born in its population and a very very diverse city. i can not, do not, and mostly will not speak for the small town places (not all of them of course) that i have been to where the thinking can be backwards and knee jerk to the point where ‘gay’ is a curse word and ‘democrat’ is to be unpatriotic…that i can not speak to. or maybe, i just did… 😉 oh, and i wanted to add…so glad you are liking it and will be gracing us with a post. i think this can be truly funnn and awesome for everyone involved. much love, sm

      • I think it’s healthier the way Americans discuss race. Here we just see “polite racism” where immigration policies etc favour white Europeans etc and people pretend like it’s not an issue when clearly it is. Canadians are very much like the Scottish you describe; most don’t even want to mention race for fear of appearing racist. And because it’s not part of our daily discourse I think it makes it easier for politicians to enact racist policies because we don’t really know how to have a national discussion about it. On the other hand, when we have non-white politicians running for office it’s not part of the discussion either, which is nice.

        In more homogenous rural places (like where I grew up) people are overtly racist. Much of that is sheer ignorance, but some of it is actual xenophobia or downright hatred. What can I say? Assholes are everywhere.

      • you know, roller. you make such a good point. and i felt that way in the uk, i felt like the attempt to be polite about race, made people a touch more racist. it backfires sometimes. you want to be inclusive, so you never say anything. but, the truth is, discussion works. bottom line though – we have racist a-holes here. truly, there’s no denying that, but i do think because of our practice of ‘discussing’ it or ‘being loud about it’ (depending how you look at it) the racists get exposed very quickly. it’s an interesting topic, regardless. and i expect we’ll all get a bit serious on canadica. as long as we all keep the love, i think it will be grand. i think you and i have done that well. goldstars and your moose pic for us both. 😉 sm

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  9. Tres droll, ma cherie. On the brown side, we have lots of South Asians (which means East Indians and ethnic Chinese) and some people have taken to calling Vancouver “Hong-couver”. Unlike the melting pot idea that the US uses to deculturate immigrants, our cultural mosaic includes Mounties wearing turbans and ethnic celebrations out the yin yang. Full speed ahead!

    • hmmmmmmmm, i’m not sure about ‘deculturate’ – i think we will have to agree to disagree on that point. I find saying things like “African American” and “Irish American” as something that is a way to highlight the point of ethnic origin while being inclusive. At least, that is how it is taken now in any city in the U.S.. As far as cops wearing turbans, why not say – “we all wear the same thing because we are all cops.” seems to make sense to me. and to take it one step further many women in cities here where the hijab and burka here. it is not illegal like it is in france. but, yes, our fireman and policemen wear one uniform and i don’t see that as an effort to deculturate anyone. with respect and glad you’re reading, mother

  10. Great job, Sweet Motha. Good way to start off the blog! I didn’t realize how cultured Canada is! I’ve used that picture of Senor Alejandro Trebekicito myself. What a gem.

  11. Great start, Mumsy. Just one question though…. has Celine been looking at your caption competition over on SM and been trying her own thing with elastic round her legs ? 😉

  12. How in the freakin’ maple leaf am I suppose to write a post of this caliber? I was just going to write “Canada’s kinda lame. And America’s No. 1 with our high infant mortality rate” and leave it at that. But now I feel that pales in comparison to this magnificent intro post. I feel like getting out my iron, putting it on an ice rink and whacking it around with a stick. That is what “curling” is, yes?

    • Speaker 7,

      If you have a mostly American audience you can easily fake a post about Canada. It’s cold. People say “Eh” a lot. They love hockey. They get to claim Santa Claus. And Penguins! Actually, I’m not sure about the penguins, but that’s the beauty of ignorance. Oh, and in the U.P. people drive to the grocery store on their snowblowers. You should thrown that in as well, because I swear half the people I know can’t distinguish between Michigan, the upper peninsula, and Canada… And at that point you should probably throw in some snark about how Rollergiraffe looks out her window and sees Russia…

  13. Might have to rename you Sweet Mum…. nicely done! But….that ‘rubber tire sliding down the ice’? …it’s called a ROCK mum and it’s made from GRANITE. Probably from the Canadian Shield. Just saying. Celine Dion, Alex Trebec and yes, William Shatner you can feel free to debase, but not curling! 😉

    • I knew I would “out” the curling lovers ! Rock or rubber tire looking thing, its all Greek to me. Wait, is that another country ? Feck, I don’t have the time. Lol. Anyhoo, welcome aboard.

  14. It’s so cute, how Canadians like to brag about all their Famous Canadians… like do we really care that Martin Short is Canadian? Does anyone care that Brad Pitt, Redford, Harry Ford, and Depp are American? I mean if we’re doing a tally, obviously the US takes the cake. But we’ll leave the bragging to the Canadians, they need it to feel better about themselves. I used to think we had a very loving, brotherly friendship between nations, until I moved to the North end of Hell and realized everyone HATED me once I said I was a USer. Meanwhile Canada was ranked forth least cool, whilst ( oh yes, whilst!!!) the US won COOLEST PEOPLE IN THE WOLRD, EVER!!!! on the same poll! True story, I heard it on the radio just last spring. It HAS to be true if you hear it on a modern rock radio station.

    • welp, my friend, the above was written by a dyed in the wool yankee. a meat eating americano. a meat eating americano who was bragging about canadians. so, that shakes up point one of your argumento. on the other side, are americans constantly the butt of any and all jokes when one goes abroad? Yes. is it deserved? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. Is the disdain most of the rest of the world feels for us valid? Again, some of it yes, some of it no. Have we become the easy joke to make? Yep. I liken it to let’s say two improv actors who are trying to improvise a scene. They get on stage. They are two guys. They need a joke. So, they make a fag joke. It’s the easy joke to make. Same thing goes for americanos traveling abroad and the sentiments that a lot of non-americanos have for us. Now, you could say that means the rest of the world has a hard time separating the american people from its government. That would be true, but then again, we do call ourselves a “government BY THE PEOPLE.” so, then truly, perhaps it is our fault. you could dig deeper and say, “is america truly a country by the people anymore?” Or is it a “government by the RICH people?” I think a lot of people would say it’s the latter. So, in the words of denise richards, “it’s complicated, my friend.” but, don’t get down about it, my friend. that’s not what canadica is about. canadica is about poking the poo out of everything – canucks and yanks alike. much love, sm

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    • you MUST visit Canada. Being from New York and my father being sort of cheap, he took us there all the time in the car. loool. So, I’ve been all over the east coast of canada and now that i live on the west coast of the u.s., i’m dying to get me to vancouver! i hear it’s beautiful. but, first hand, nova scotia and montreal i can’t say enough about there both beautiful and completely different. all i can say is – go, go, go! lool. and welcome aboard, CANADICA! much love, sm

  17. Great Post, Sweet Mother! I think you’re right about Canada giving a small degree of a caca about people’s feelings – they’re way more sensitive than we are. Americans will say anything for a laugh, not so much, our neighbors to the north. In this area, I think we’re a little more chill.
    The curling stuff, super funny and true! What the heck?

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  19. This post rocks! You are nearly as funny as Rick Mercer – and, coming from a Canadian girl, that’s an awfully big compliment 🙂 Can’t wait to read more! (And just for research purposes, the weed you plan to write about somewhere down the road is mostly grown in my home province, British Columbia where it’s referred to as BC Bud.) Looking forward to more great posts!

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