This is the first post for Canadica – an amazing, mind-feckin’, cocktail of brain-blowing, seismic (purportedly) true facts from both Canadian and American bloggers displayed in a cutesy cocktail number. Okay, maybe that’s just the over-the-top way I describe it because I am, after all, American. Let’s face it, we do everything big. Don’t blame me, it’s not my fault. We don’t choose where we are born. If you want to blame someone, blame my mother. She chose it.
I know this because my mother lived in Canada once. She was an immigrant there, just as she was an immigrant in America once. My mother claims the Canadian government even offered to give her land to entice her to stay, but she didn’t want to wear snow-shoes and live in Saskatche-feckin’-Wan, which is way different than San Juan. So, momma decided to head to New York where she promptly met my father and laid her eggs. Eggs from which I was hatched. So, am I proud to be American? Yes. I am as proud as you can be to spin a roulette wheel and land on “lucky number 7.”
Now, Canadians typically think Americans don’t know the slightest thing about Canada. This is not true. I know a lot of things about Canada. I know they like hockey, and maple syrup, and Celine Dion, and sliding a rubber tire down a slab of ice while slowly chasing it with a broom, I suppose, in case the rubber tire goes number 2!
I also know that Canada is the 5th Whitest Country on Earth.
I have deduced this fact by embarking on one, quick, google search that yielded a webpage containing demographics info on Canada. Never mind, that the webpage contained a photo of a hot, blonde, slut who apparently wants to meet me. I’m guessing from her exotic features that she’s also Canadian.
(Surely any website containing striking images of a blonde, wanton, model is more than just factual. It has got to be born from the very hands of census takers or as they call them up north – The Canadian-People-and-Moose-Counters.)
This very official webpage says that Canada is very white, oh so, very white. The biggest ethnicities there are Anglos and immediately after that, Frenchies. Anglo-landia is where they started making white people and Francia is where they continued with that process, albeit in a much more pompous manner.
I say that Canada is 5th whitest because there are countries that are whiter.
There is, for example – Belgium, Greenland, Iceland, Poland…and…and, well, that’s all I can think of. And for that, very scientific reason, Canada is 5th.
Regardless, Canada DOES have a vibrant mix of ethnic Canadians who are constantly trying to break the chains of free-healthcare and open spaces by exerting their own origins through the arts. Many times, these Canadian, ethnic, minorities are hiding right before our very eyes.
Today, all of that changes. Today, I inform the readers of Canadica of the elegantly layered tapestry that is Canada’s huddled masses yearning to break free. Here, for the first time ever, I present them to thee. (Thee? Wtf?) Sorry, without further adieu, the great minorities of Canada:
African-Canadian, Celine Dion
Born in the Quebec Province city of Cape-Khara-Yum-Yum, Celine grew up singing such fabled folk songs as, “Obama Leave Your Light On,” and “Rolled My Maple Leaf into a Spliff and Filled It With Your Love.” Many people try to deny Celine’s African roots in favor of her beret-wearing ones, but let’s be honest…could a white person ever, really, sing like that?
Mexican-Canadian, Alex Trebek
The well known, Alex Trebek was actually born Alejandro Trebekicito in the Mexican province of Oaxaca. While in Oaxaca, Alejandro became a local celebrity hosting a game show called, Jeopardisimo. But, as Alejandro tells it, “The bendejo television compania was paying me bullchit.” So, in search of his fortune, Alejandro left in a hang glider for the blue skies of Canada. In 1945, Alejandro crossed above some power-lines along the Canadian border where his name was forever shortened to Trebek by a Canadian flying goose. Alejandro tried to revive Jeopardisimo once his family settled comfortably in Manitoba. However, as Alejandro put it, “These Canadian putos don’t understand a word of Spanish either. Might as well try my hand with the Gringos.” And the rest, my friends, is history.
First Nations Person, William Shatner
Okay, here in the US of A, we call them Native Americans or Indians, but in Canada – where they give a small degree of a caca about the feelings of others – they call them “First Nations People.” As in, “Sorry, you were here first. We get it now.” And the first of the First Nations People was the kin of William Shatner. That’s right, the Shatner clan were the original settlers of Canada. They were Canada’s forefathers and founders…and they’ve been trying to get back there ever since through unbeatable, Priceline, prices – of course!
I hope you enjoyed your first ever installment of Canadica by Sweet Mother. A new post will appear every week by either a Canadian or American blogger…or by a blogger that has an opinion on one or both of these vibrant, nation-ish entities. Lastly, everything written here is done so in jest. If you can’t take a poke, I suggest heading over to Japanica where they slap you if you don’t like the content. We, at Canadica, would never do that. So, click the “follow” button at the top of the blog for more continuous fun.
Sweet Mother is blogger and comedian, Rebecca Donohue. You can follow the Sweet Mother blog here and you can stalk Rebecca here and here. Wait, not stalk, better said, “become a part of her community.”