Speaker7 Talks Aboot Appearance

Appearance is key. I know your mom told you it doesn’t matter what you look like, it only matters what you’re like on the inside.

She lied.

Our shape says a lot. For instance, my body stops traffic. That’s because it resembles a traffic barrel especially when I wear my orange-and-white striped sarong. According to some random website I just looked at, you can tell a lot about a person (or country) by the way s/he (it) looks. In order to survive in this tough job market, according to generic website, you need to pay attention to your appearance or face the wrath of the fashion skeleton. America is looking pretty good. That’s why the job market is flourishing.*

*Because I am American, I can create an entire worldview out of complete cloth, facts be damned!

Frankly Canada you look like a fucking mess.

This is sooo not what to wear or some other horrible reality show title.

Yikes. That’s why the job market is so ugly.*

*I have no idea if this is true, but I believe it in my gut, and my gut should know since I ate an entire bag of Cheetos rather than research anything about Canada on the Internet.

I showed your shape to Mr. Speaker7 like some kind of Rorschach Test, and he said it looked like a blob of mucuous spat up by a constipated yak (I said no such thing – Mr. Speaker7). I then showed my son, and he said “That is just so fucking wrong” and he’s 2.5, y’all. (My mom constantly is attributing things to me I did not say — Toddler Speaker7)

Then I showed them America.

When America was discovering itself and shaping its borders, it used the eagle feathers it plucked from the heads of the native inhabitants to form a fucking swan-shaped fat hulk of perfected manifest destiny.

Ah yeah, this is what I’m talking about! This is like a fat turkey covered in deep-fried Oreo® creme. This is like a torpedo that has since blown up like a blimp from consuming a daily KFC Double Down®. This is like an Uncle Sam toddler too large to fit on the slide. This is fuckin’ America, baby. We don’t lead the world in obesity for nothing.

Canada, I’m sure you have a lovely personality, but I don’t want to stick Florida into you. I think you started out with the best intentions and just kinda petered out like Randy Jackson does on American Idol when he runs out of things to say after “Little pitchy, dawg.”

Let me break this down for you:

Let’s compare you to your neighbor to the south.

I think your best bet is a complete makeover with a side of plastic surgery. Luckily, you provide health insurance to your people. If this was an American problem, I would have to do the carving myself with a piece of leather I ripped off a shoe. The sky’s the limit.

Americans are very big on makeovers. We have 435 reality television shows devoted to that topic alone. Our politicians and celebrities are famous for this. Little known fact: Charlie Sheen used to be Lindsay Lohan.

So try this on for size, Can. I shortened your name too. I think it works.

This post was written by Speaker7. When she is not insulting perfectly lovely countries, she is ripping apart perfectly awful books. She is one of the few people who does not believe the children are our future. She believes it’s the giant ocean garbage patches that will make it all better.

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89 thoughts on “Speaker7 Talks Aboot Appearance

  1. Speaker7,
    Clever. But. the USA. Seriously. I wish I was a liar. I wish I needed glasses. I am old, I fall asleep in front of the news. But I can see. Well. USA looks like a funnel. It looks like every American citizens will soon fall into a funnel of decrepitude. Or. It looks like you’re trying to shit on South America. I mean, not the way the South of the US is already shitting on Mexico/Mexicans… An open flow of decrepit venom ready to expand beyond their borders… Oh. The world knows it’s coming. We’re on to you, giant funnel.
    Le Clown

  2. I’m going on record as saying that there is no way anyone will ever top this piece. To call this post brilliant or genius is just insulting. It’s so much more than that. I need to invent a new word to describe it. Brilliantmonumentalgeniuswithasideofawesomekickass.

    • i mean, so ridiculously funny. i can’t believe how good these are getting and this one just takes the feckin’ cake. i laughed till i cried. “canada, i wouldn’t stick florida into you!!!!!!” i want that on a tshirt. it’s so feckin’ funny. jesus christ. ugh, i’m literally in pain from laughing…

  3. Brilliantly creative and hilarious! I noticed another appearance disaster, which, at this point is much more than just a fashion faux pas: Right beneath the ice cube fragment region, it looks like an animal is taking a giant dookie right on the face of Can. Even reconstructive surgery cannot rebuild that shit!

  4. OH MY FECKIN’ GOD. EVERY TIME I READ SOMETHING FROM YOU, I CRY LAUGHING. CRY! I’M NOT KIDDING. So, few people can elicit this from me. SHE-SUS CHRIST!! “Canada, I would not stick florida in to you…” “What are these ice cubes broken up on concrete?” DEARFECKIN’GOD. YOU ARE A FECKIN’ GENIUS. I’M NOT KIDDING. GOOD GOD. I’m going to plug this on my blog today. holy butt tards, it’s so good. just so good. oh my god. loved. xo, sm

  5. Pingback: Canadica or Bust! | Speaker7

  6. Geography would have been way better if you had written the books. Much less boring, yet probably more accurate than high school textbooks. Well done. And yes, we Texans are so proud of our Gov’ner we could cry. And cry. And cry. Even the Republicans here hate him.

      • We’d just have to add something about how Canada and the US were created when white baby Jeezus sneezed and not that ebil evolution and they’d probably take it. I’ll have to see if I can find the bit of Stephen Colbert interviewing the clueless head of the Texas Board of Education . . . oy.

  7. You have sharpened your already razor-sharp wit to a fine glistening edge, Speaker. All that vag ball stuff has paid off in spades for you. “Are these just fragments of concrete broken on concrete…who lives here?” My gawd, this whole thing was so funny I don’t how anyone going forward is going to top this.

    Be gentle with the rest of us. HI-LARRY-us.

  8. My biggest concern here is that my mother told me that outside appearances are the only thing that count and when other parents saw how me & my husband dressed (Cramps & Red Elvises raggy tee shirts) that they wouldn’t let their kids play with our kid. So are you telling me my inner beauty doesn’t count and I should go live in the place that looks like ice fragments? Can I choose to live in the place that almost sounds like ‘vagina’?

  9. Speaker 7,
    Sometimes I feel pangs of what could only be jealousy when reading your posts because they’re so funny and I don’t have any skills or time to make those text bubbles and manipulate images the way you do, AND I’m kindof a snotty bitch ab out some things and I never say anything about snorting any liquid out of my nose onto my keyboard. But, I would like you to know that I think that this is very funny, and I like your voice and the way you say things and I always look forward to reading your blog posts….

    • Je voudrais en voiture. That’s about all I remember from my French Rosetta Stone session and it’s likely wrong. I’m guessing your sentence means “Speaker7 is the greatest writer on earth” and I will continue to believe that even if proven wrong because I am American.

      P.S. – I really do like Canada quite a bit. This was a bit of jest.

  10. This Blog is fecking brilliant, I am so happy to sit on the fence. and watch you duke it out for my amusement while I sit like a Duke watching little men wash up the metaphorical blood. excuse me while I wipe the laughter tears from my eyes as I can barely see.

  11. Speaker7, I’m feeling traumatized here. In your Manifest Destiny-fuelled makeover, you’ve eradicated my lovely little place on the Canadian map! You’ve just tossed Vancouver Island right in the garbage (that’s trash to you. But you already know all about trash.) I can’t believe it! You’d think you might think twice about it, given that every Canadian over 50 who doesn’t move to Florida or Arizona moves here instead. You understand what this is going to do to all those gated retirement communities littering the bottom half of The Am Way? (I can rename your country too). What are you people thinking??

  12. This was damn good, S7. I am so digging the maps here. I almost didn’t recognize Canada at first with the way you broke her down into Mr. Potato head parts — and then I realized, I’ve never recognized Canada! Yes, before this blog post, I wouldn’t have been able to recognize Canada — not even in a line-up that included Guam, Luxembourg, and that birthmark thing on Gorbachev’s head.

    Thank you. I learned a lot.

  13. If you tilt your head 45 degrees to the left, Southern Ontario looks like an elephant. Canada is many states, repressed, delusional, just not United. Long may the filthy Liberal Maple Leaf fly. Ingenius post. I waited till Wednesday to read it and found myself 79 comments behind. Don’t you Excited Statesians know what day it is?

  14. Ah, see this whole idea for a blog seemed like such a good idea to me. Now I see it’s just a way to make fun of Canada. Seriously, what are you? 12? Are we in high school? This is so not creative genius. It’s verbal diarrea

    • catherine, i’m actually going to let your comment stand, even though i think it’s really negative, not well thought out, and not indicative of the vibe here on canadica. no one gets made fun of more than americans. ours is coming on canadica, i’m sure, and when it does, we will take it. speaker 7’s piece is genius and i stand by it. if you don’t see the humor in the absolute ridiculousness of talking about canada’s shape or america’s for that matter, then quite frankly canadica is not the place for you — as it is a place for fun lovin’ americans and canadians who enjoy ribbing without the crappy vibe that your comment gives off. all the best to you and your blog. feel free to not read us. all the best — from one complete and utter yankee-canada lover, sweet mother

  15. Pingback: You Can’t Do That On Television…or In America. | Welcome to Canadica!

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