I have to admit. I don’t really know shit about Canada. The first time I was even aware of it was when my family first got cable in the early 1980’s and I use to watch “You Can’t Do That on Television” on Nickelodean ( now more commonly referred to as simply “Nick” but back then we pronounced the whole thing because we had more time on our hands pre-internet/texting ). Because of that show I thought Canada was a magical place where kids could run entire television studios, where if you said “I Don’t Know” green slime would fall from the sky, and all adults looked like Les Lye.
I loved the shit out of that show. I’m a comedian now and I honestly consider that show one of my first comedic inspirations. Along with Turkey Television and SCTV. Kids in the Hall was a favorite later as well so I have no problem with Canada when it comes to it’s comedy imports. I do however take issue with some of the musicians that Canada has given us over the years. Let’s review:
ANNE MURRAY– Credited with paving the way for future Canadian songstresses such as Celine Dion and Shania Twain. Thanks Anne!! (he shouted sarcastically). I needed you like a I needed a burger from Barth’s. I know, I know, people LOVE them some Murray. Boring people.
BRYAN ADAMS – Okay, I love Bryan Adams. I do. I could listen to “Summer of 69” a million more times and not get sick of it even after I found out it’s about the summer he first did 69 with a girl and not about the year. That’s actually true! but as icky as that truly is it still did not ruin the song for me. My problem with Bryan is not even his fault really. When his juggernaut of a ballad “Everything I Do” came out (from Kevin Costner’s steaming pile of animal scat called “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves” ) I had just moved to a new school. I started to go with a girl from my class (yes, “go with”…that’s what you did when you liked someone in small town Nebraska ). She LOVED that song. So, I bought her the cassingle of it ( remember those? cassettes with one or two songs on them? What a forward thinking trend that was for 3 weeks in 1991 ). Well, two weeks later she dumped me for the other new kid and they made it their song!!! To this day I can’t hear it without thinking about her singing, “There’s no love, like your love, and no other, could give more love….oh, except THAT GUY.” The only saving grace is that they ended up getting married later and are still together. So, he was like my Kevin Bannister from “High Fidelity”. It was fate not me! Still hate that song though.
SARAH MCLACHLAN – I discovered Sarah in college around 1993 when “Fumbling Towards Ecstasy” came out. I loved and still love that album.
I had the cassette of it and wore it out in my car. I was a bit obsessed with her. I even went back and found her previous albums on cassette and wore those out as well. I went to the first Lilith Fair for fucksake! Therein lies my problem with Sarah. I blame her for me not getting laid my first couple years of college. No college girl wants to bang a male Lilith Fair goer who likes to make them mix tapes. Talk about their problems with them? Sure. Tell them about why men suck? You bet. Fuck them within an inch of their life? Not a chance. As an 18 year old college kid I needed the latter but spent years as the former. I was basically just a mix tape making masturbator for 2 years.
The other problem I have with Sarah is:
Yes, her heart is firmly in the right place but she is now and forever will be equated with gimp puppies and malnourished kittens. I was dating a girl who would get so sad when those commercials came on she wouldn’t want to have sex. Thanks again Sarah.
ALANIS MORRISSETTE – My next female Canadian obsession after Sarah (and also a former cast member of “You Can’t Do That On Television”). I had just moved to Los Angeles in 1995 and heard “Hand in my Pocket” on an indie station there. I related to that song so much I thought I wrote it. I went to a Record store (they use to have these places where you could physically go and buy music) in West LA and they only had 1 cassette of it (I held out and bought cassettes for way longer than I should have obviously)
They only had one because no one had really heard of her yet. “You Oughtta Know” had not taken over the airwaves yet and I felt like I was the coolest person in the world to discover this amazing new artist (who is also almost the exact same age as me. 1974 represent!!) Well, once she took off I noticed all these 14 year old girls singing along to every song of hers that I had related so much to as a 21 year old man. So, Alanis made me come to the painful realization of how uncool I actually was (I’m totally cool with being uncool now though).
Speaking of painful and uncool…
NICKELBACK – I’m not sure if the whole band is from Canada or just Chad Kroeger the lead singer.
Either way…C’MON CANADA!!! WTF?? I realize America gave the world Creed so maybe this is just your way of paying us back. Well played Canada. Well played. Actually, not well played, cliché ridden, faux rock is a more accurate description. And that Chad dude just married Avril Lavigne (it scares me that I can spell her name right without looking it up) so I guess now they are some sort of Canadian royalty. Look out William and Kate!!
I wonder what Chad and Avril’s kid would look like? My guess it would be this:
JUSTIN BIEBER – I realize as a grown ass man it’s no surprise I don’t “get” the Biebs. I’m also a bitter, broke failure and the fact this kid was discovered on youtube irks the piss out of me. Any kid getting discovered on youtube really pisses me off actually. Does it have something to do with the fact my comedy videos on youtube tend to get under 1,000 views? Partially. However, I’m tired of seeing kids thrust into the spotlight and making tons of cash because of the simple gimmick that they are kids. People will post videos on facebook and say, “This kid is amazing!” And I’m like, “No. They’re not. They are kids and have no life experience and I could give less than a fuck.” I recently saw video someone posted of a 10 year old girl singing Etta James’ “At Last”. Her parents rented a recording studio to try to cash in on the “isn’t it amazing how my kid sings adult songs?!” trend. No. Fuck off. How about you have your kid go out for school choir, learn their craft, get an education, learn about life, and then pursue a career. Etta lived man. You can hear it in every note she sings. You can’t teach that or imitate that. When I hear a 10 year old singing, “At laaaaast…my love has come along…” I think, “what love are you talking about kid? And at last? You haven’t waited for anything very long. You’re fucking 10. Shut up and tell your shitty parents to put down the fucking camera for a second and have a conversation with you once in a while”.
14 year old girls made the Biebs a multi-millionaire and that’s what’s really scary. That they are calling the shots at all. 14 year old girls are some of the worst people on the planet. That includes terrorists. If you don’t believe me spend some time in a line at Burger King with some.
Biebs is also responsible for helping unleash the song dubbed “the song of summer” by assholes that dub things like that. I’m talking about the song “Call Me Maybe” by another Canadian Carly Rae Jepson. He “discovered” her. He just discovered his balls when they dropped recently but he’s discovering talent now too? Fuck. Actually, that song was catchy and kinda of cute at first but then I read that she is 26 years old! 26!? That’s way past college age and she is singing that song? How about grow up maybe?
I mostly don’t like Biebs because he wears his pants like this:
If you combine every shitty fashion trend from the last 40 years it still would not be half as fucking dumb as the pants past the ass “prison bitch” look.
This horrible trend I’m sure was started in America though so for that Canada you are forgiven everything.
And thanks again for Les Lye. (Also a quick shout out to Christine “Moose” McGlade).