You Can’t Do That On Television…or In America.

As the day quickly approached when it would be my turn to write a post for this blog,  I began to panic as I started to realize that I just wasn’t very funny.  I am following incredibly witty bloggers such as bradthecomedian, rollergiraffe, brigitte, Michelle Gillies and my good friends sweetmother, saradraws, speaker7 and  Madame Weebles and feeling VERY intimidated by their collective genius.

Well, Sweet Mother is tired of placating me swears I belong here so let’s give it a whirl.

This would have been SO much easier if I were on Team USA because Canada is so damn easy to make fun of.  Case and point:

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I decided to steer clear of the obvious and not poke fun of our American neighbors for their gun-toting and Krispy Kreme eating and instead make fun of some of their dumb ass laws.  There are too many to list them all,  but I’ve chosen 10 that will have you scratching your heads and asking, “What the fuck?”   Let’s get on with it, shall we?

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In Jasper, Alabama it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.  In Jasper, Alberta you can beat your rugs, your brow or your meat, but you can’t beat your wife. Unless your dinner isn’t on the table when you get home from work.  Then you can slap the stupid out of her.

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In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.  In the Yukon,  you can ply your moose with as much whiskey as she wants with the condition that you keep your advances gentlemanly and make good on your promise to call.

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In Utah, a husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.  In Quebec, a husband is responsible for very little.  Lazy French bastards.

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In Arkansas, schoolteachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.  In Ontario, no matter what hairstyle they wear, schoolteachers are so underpaid that they’ve had to forfeit their right to eat meat.

I'd like to bang her erasers after school...

Photo credit:        I wouldn’t mind banging her erasers after school

In New Britain, Connecticut the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 mph, even when going to a fire.  What the fuck?  In Canada, we’re driving faster than that when we open the door and push our kids out for school.

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Hope his hose is long enough.

In Quitman, Georgia it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.  It’s illegal in Canada too.  Unless you’re a Canada Goose, then you can do whatever the fuck you want.

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In Idaho, boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.  That explains a lot. There is no weight minimum on chocolates as gifts here in Canada but you can only have them on Valentine’s Day, Easter and Christmas.  I get them from my husband, but he eats 3/4 of them before I even get the cellophane off.

Photo credit:      This box comes with a subscription to Jenny Craig.

According to Illinois state law, it is illegal to speak English. It’s illegal in Quebec as well, but I digress.  The officially recognized language is “American”.  Okay, since I wasn’t sure what “American” was, I looked it up in the ever-popular urban dictionary and this was my favorite definition by far for “American English”

“Soon to be renamed “Microsoftonese”.

Seriously, has anyone ever managed to switch the Word spell-check to English-English?

NOTE: if you have

– obtained a PHD in a nerdy IT subject; or
– are addicted to Jolt Cola and computer games; or
– are 30+ years of age and still yet to experience a woman’s touch

Then please, PLEASE, consider that question rhetorical.”

In Kentucky, it’s illegal to remarry the same man four times.  And stupid.  I guess they figured that any woman that stupid needs a law to limit her mistakes.  She should also be prohibited from breeding.

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In Mississippi, it’s illegal to tease skunks.  Someone needs to tell Penelope Pussycat this because she’s been a skunk-tease since 1945.

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Madame Weebles (or Weebly as I affectionately call her) said she preferred “O Canada” to “Star Spangled Banner” which I personally love.  I think O Canada is bland and I have been trying to get them to replace it with this jewel by Classified.  The powers that be haven’t gotten back to me yet.  Cross your fingers!


You can visit Wendy’s blog here.

95 thoughts on “You Can’t Do That On Television…or In America.

  1. Wendy,
    This was enlightening! Is there a law that would also motivate all Americans to vote in very large numbers today? Like: If the voting ratio is lower than 75%, Justin Bieber will write the new American anthem?

    Vote massively, my American friends, no matter who you vote for, vote: let your voice be heard.
    Le Lazy French bastard Clown

  2. Oh, oh, oh, Oh Canada! I will be singing that all day. And who doesn’t love themselves some beaver?
    Great post to start my day with. I bet you had a hard time whittling this list down to 10. From what I’ve heard there are whole law books on the whole Daddy-Uncle-Brother marriage laws.
    Heheheheheh … still laughing …

    • I love that song Michelle and yes, It’s very catchy! I’m really glad that you enjoyed the post and that it made you laugh.
      Oh…and the whole marrying your brother thing? It’s only illegal if your Daddy says you don’t kiss as well as your sister does….and you don’t invite the banjo playing, product of years of inbreeding boy to your wedding. He could be the ring bearer! 🙂

  3. Those Canadian geese are pretty cheeky. They parked themselves in Riverbank State Park here in Harlem during Sandy and strutted around like they owned the place!

    You did yourself proud and stand shoulder-to-shoulder with the giants who write Canadica. Well done! xoM

    • Thanks so much Margarita. Yes, those geese are something else. The little bastards are protected here and except for the one I saw flattened on the road once, I think they are relatively safe. 🙂

  4. You were much funny – our American laws are competely insane. However, I might need to live where I can get a 50 lb box o’candy….next to the Lucky-Fat-Ass-All-You-Can-Eat-And-Binge-Chinese-Buffet 1,000 items to delight and relive in the bathroom; only $7.95 + tax

  5. I’ll have you know I read this even before I went to catch up on all my other blog stuff, Wendy. I am proud and a little titillated to be sandwiched between you and Michelle. That O Canada version is stellar. That’s definitely better than the usual version. But I’m sorry, the American anthem really is a crime.

  6. Haha! This is funny as hell! I recently came upon this piece of info: The punishment for adultery in Maryland is a 10$ fine—that’s almost like a ‘wink-wink’ing thumbs-up! Does Canada have any such incentives?

  7. There was a law on the books not that long ago in my hometown that said you couldn’t kiss your wife in public. Your wife. I’d like to say we’ve gotten less prudish here but . . . nope. I want to move to Canada. And not just because of the election. Well, mostly because of the election. Also your geese are cute.

  8. I’m here to attest that Ms. Reid is indeed funny. Great post, and I admire your restraint at keeping the fat American jokes to a minimum. Who wants that easy of pickins’? 🙂

  9. There may be an option for British English in the languages section of MS Word, but I suspect it’s an extra that they’ll be charging you extra for. I’d be far happier if I could just switch spell-check off and go with proof-reading it myself – it is so frustrating to have everything I’ve typed underlined in either red or green. (I mean, what is the point of grammar check? Either you’ve got an understanding of grammar which means that half of what you write will be underlined in green because Grammar Check doesn’t understand good grammar, or you’ve not got an understanding of grammar in which case everything will also be underlined in green but you won’t give a damn about that.)

    If I’m correct, you need to eat 22 pounds of chocolate in one sitting for it to poison you. So surely Idaho are advocating attempts to invoke literal death by chocolate?

      • 50 shades of brown makes me think of gay men. I’m not going to say any more than that on that subject, and I’m now wishing I’d not thought that and am wondering where the brain bleach may be found.

      • Maybe you should stop therapy and just write this book? And maybe, just to annoy EL James, call it Brown in 100 Shades, so it’s not such a direct steal? And it also gives you opportunity for more senarios.

      • Get everyone on WP to email you with a sex senario and then you just need to work out ways of connecting them. As a trainee nun (people understand if I put that; the technical name is Novice) I probably shouldn’t be allowing my imagination to run wild on the whole sex scene theme!

      • I don’t offend that easily! And neither do most of the Sisters, to be honest. Some of them have worked in some pretty tough places and seen humanity at its poorest (council estate in Scotland, Zimbabwe, Swaziland, South Africa during apartheid, you get the idea) and I had quite an interesting discussion with my novice guardian on the subject of 50 Shades of Grey last week! (We were talking celibacy, so of course sex and porn come into the equation.)

      • *rolls your eyes back to you so you can read my reply*

        We were also bitching about how poor the literature is in it and the lack of plot, lack of research into the BDSM lifestyle and how hopefully most teenagers who read it will realise it’s pure rubbish and that 1) there is much better literature out there and 2) there is much better porn out there and 3) that sex in real life is not like that and 4) if you end up in a relationship like that, run for your life to get away from the abuse.

        I’m fairly certain that if a copy were to make its way into the Priory, we’d perhaps read a few pages, laugh, and then use it as fire-starting materials.

      • I don’t keep books under the mattress – too uncomfortable for sleeping purposes then! I mean, it’s so difficult to get them all the same thickness to keep the bed level…

      • Funnily enough, there are books out there which are thicker than my Bible! I mean, you’ve heard of Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix, right? That monster makes my Bible look tiny! (Plus I have to at least look like I’m reading the Bible, so keeping it under the mattress wouldn’t work – much better to have it out on a table and full of bookmarks and things. 😉 )

  10. oh dear god, i laughed out loud several times at this. my personal faves were the 50lb box of chocolates and the “if you’re 30+ and have yet to experience a woman’s touch…” guffawed, literally, guffawed. and i love you taking the piss out of quebec too. there’s something hilarious about it. so, let’s take a moment to realize… THAT I AM ALWAYS RIGHT. because clearly, you needed no help at all here. it was absolutely hilarious and i was waiting -just waiting- for a canuck to take a proper maple-whip to us yanks. who knew it would be delivered by you. we take it willingly and ask for more. looooooollll. and – ALL HAIL THE BLUE LAW. an absolutely brilliant post, wendos, you made canadica proud! i’ll be plugging the shit out of it today. after i vote, of course. xoxox, sm

  11. Awesome post,,,!!!
    And I would personally like to thank Le Clown,,for NOT letting this Canuck know about this blog!
    Well maybe he did,,but I don’t remember, so I still blame him!

  12. Seriously, you wrote a great funny (er, and educational) post! I’m from Illinois, but I don’t think they passed that law until after I left. Yeesh. Speaking American. Right up there with “Freedom Fries.”

    • Glad you enjoyed it jm and even better if you learned from it. I hear that Rosetta Stone’s American course isn’t too costly. If you them I sent you, you get 4 free courses in Spanish and I get $50….

      • That sounds a lot like the old Columbia House “CD of the Month Club.” Although I don’t know if Canadians had a version of that…. 🙂

    • Thank you S7. And I have no idea how the chicken gets to the other side. Most are law abiding and don’t even try. There are however, those rebel hens who sneak across on the backs of Canadian geese.

  13. I think you did a GREAT job with this!

    Representing Oregon, here are some of our dumb laws:

    * It is illegal to place a container filled with human fecal matter on the side of any highway
    * Babies may not be carried on the running boards of a car
    * Dishes must drip dry
    * It is illegal to whisper “dirty” things in your lover’s ear during sex

  14. About the Kentucky getting-married-four-times-law…the way you wrote it implies that the woman is at fault for this, when it usually takes two people to consent to marriage. And, if the gentleman is the one doing the proposing, like he is in the true-to-life stick figure representation, then mesays that he’s the one at fault. Potato, po-tah-to.

  15. You think you aren’t funny!? You are so very mistaken! If I didn’t have a newborn asleep right next to me I’d have been laughing so hard I’d probably have peed my pants. This was awesome.

      • That sounds like it should have been a lyric in that Classified song, “They eat the donuts and we eat the holes yo, We got fat people too y’all in case ya didn’t know, O Canada!” 🙂

        Enjoyed your post Wendy! There are some seriously weird laws a-happening here in America.

        I live in the Midwestern US currently and have discovered a few gems around here:

        Missouri: In St. Louis, it’s illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket. (note to self: cancel trip to St. Louis)
        Children can buy shotguns in Kansas City, Missouri… but not toy cap guns. (Looks like Toys R Us needs to get the NRA on it’s side in KC)

        An Illinois state law requires that a man’s female companion shall call him “master” while out on a date (which means the only women not breaking this law are into S&M)

        And my home state of Nebraska, the most land locked state in all of the US, has this beauty:
        It is Illegal to go whale fishing (so this is why the lake whale population in NE is so out of hand!)

        Oh, and how about this last one, in the town of Lehigh, Nebraska doughnut holes may not be sold!!
        I didn’t realize how Anti-Canadian that was until I read this comment. Those Lehigh bastards!

  16. This is great, lots of Vampy giggles here
    I will have to tell everyone I know to call in
    and have a bit, I mean enjoy some, I mean
    read your posting 🙂 That school teacher is
    a bit naughty but I don’t mind at all 😉 lol

    Have a wicked evening Wendy 🙂

    Andro xxx

  17. Pingback: Patriotism – Commonwealth Ties or New World ? | Welcome to Canadica!

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