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Speaker7 Talks Aboot Citizenship

What I know aboot Canada could fit inside an arctic hare pellet, but that hasn’t stopped me from loudly proclaiming “I’m moving to Canada” when things don’t go my way in the ol’ US of A.

The time I ordered a Caramel Brulee Latte® at Starbucks and received a Caramel Macchiato® instead? Moving to Canada.

The time the Apple Store concierge could not make a reservation for the Ruby Tuesday’s in the mall food court? Moving to Canada.

The time I posted this on Facebook and only got three likes?


Moving to Canada.

But apparently it is easier to insert yourself into a moose anus than become a Canadian citizen. According to some Forbes article I was too lazy to read, it’s hard, like you can’t just proclaim “I’m here, bitches!” and stick a flag with your face on it in someone’s yard.

You have to do stuff–have a job, identify five actors in the Canadian soap opera Hillside (later known as Fifteen), possibly fight a bear, pass a citizenship test.

Most of these seem pretty doable. I once worked at KFC so I have skillz, but can I pass a citizenship test with my willful ignorance and refusal to learn anything about Canada?

Let’s see.

1. What are the three main types of industry in Canada?

Easy: Le Clown, poutine and bear thongs.

2. Canada has three territories and how many provinces?

Well the United States has 50–sometimes 49 states when one decides its going to secede–so I’m going to say…boring question. Next.

3. List four rights Canadian citizens have.

  1. The right to insert the letter “u” whereveru you waunt.
  2. The right to eat Cheezies.
  3. The right to put maple syrup on everything.
  4. The right to play hockey.

4. Which province in Canada is the smallest in land size?

Rhode Island.

5. Name two key documents that contain our rights and freedom.

The Molson Canadian beer bottle label and Nickelback’s “Rockstar” lyric sheet.

Nailed it.

Seriously, if this doesn’t get me in, I’m moving to America.

This post was written by Speaker7. She should apologize for being so ignorant, but since she’s American, she’s embracing it.