Speaker7 Talks Aboot Appearance

Appearance is key. I know your mom told you it doesn’t matter what you look like, it only matters what you’re like on the inside.

She lied.

Our shape says a lot. For instance, my body stops traffic. That’s because it resembles a traffic barrel especially when I wear my orange-and-white striped sarong. According to some random website I just looked at, you can tell a lot about a person (or country) by the way s/he (it) looks. In order to survive in this tough job market, according to generic website, you need to pay attention to your appearance or face the wrath of the fashion skeleton. America is looking pretty good. That’s why the job market is flourishing.*

*Because I am American, I can create an entire worldview out of complete cloth, facts be damned!

Frankly Canada you look like a fucking mess.

This is sooo not what to wear or some other horrible reality show title.

Yikes. That’s why the job market is so ugly.*

*I have no idea if this is true, but I believe it in my gut, and my gut should know since I ate an entire bag of Cheetos rather than research anything about Canada on the Internet.

I showed your shape to Mr. Speaker7 like some kind of Rorschach Test, and he said it looked like a blob of mucuous spat up by a constipated yak (I said no such thing – Mr. Speaker7). I then showed my son, and he said “That is just so fucking wrong” and he’s 2.5, y’all. (My mom constantly is attributing things to me I did not say — Toddler Speaker7)

Then I showed them America.

When America was discovering itself and shaping its borders, it used the eagle feathers it plucked from the heads of the native inhabitants to form a fucking swan-shaped fat hulk of perfected manifest destiny.

Ah yeah, this is what I’m talking about! This is like a fat turkey covered in deep-fried Oreo® creme. This is like a torpedo that has since blown up like a blimp from consuming a daily KFC Double Down®. This is like an Uncle Sam toddler too large to fit on the slide. This is fuckin’ America, baby. We don’t lead the world in obesity for nothing.

Canada, I’m sure you have a lovely personality, but I don’t want to stick Florida into you. I think you started out with the best intentions and just kinda petered out like Randy Jackson does on American Idol when he runs out of things to say after “Little pitchy, dawg.”

Let me break this down for you:

Let’s compare you to your neighbor to the south.

I think your best bet is a complete makeover with a side of plastic surgery. Luckily, you provide health insurance to your people. If this was an American problem, I would have to do the carving myself with a piece of leather I ripped off a shoe. The sky’s the limit.

Americans are very big on makeovers. We have 435 reality television shows devoted to that topic alone. Our politicians and celebrities are famous for this. Little known fact: Charlie Sheen used to be Lindsay Lohan.

So try this on for size, Can. I shortened your name too. I think it works.

This post was written by Speaker7. When she is not insulting perfectly lovely countries, she is ripping apart perfectly awful books. She is one of the few people who does not believe the children are our future. She believes it’s the giant ocean garbage patches that will make it all better.