You Can’t Do That On Television…or In America.

As the day quickly approached when it would be my turn to write a post for this blog,  I began to panic as I started to realize that I just wasn’t very funny.  I am following incredibly witty bloggers such as bradthecomedian, rollergiraffe, brigitte, Michelle Gillies and my good friends sweetmother, saradraws, speaker7 and  Madame Weebles and feeling VERY intimidated by their collective genius.

Well, Sweet Mother is tired of placating me swears I belong here so let’s give it a whirl.

This would have been SO much easier if I were on Team USA because Canada is so damn easy to make fun of.  Case and point:

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I decided to steer clear of the obvious and not poke fun of our American neighbors for their gun-toting and Krispy Kreme eating and instead make fun of some of their dumb ass laws.  There are too many to list them all,  but I’ve chosen 10 that will have you scratching your heads and asking, “What the fuck?”   Let’s get on with it, shall we?

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In Jasper, Alabama it is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.  In Jasper, Alberta you can beat your rugs, your brow or your meat, but you can’t beat your wife. Unless your dinner isn’t on the table when you get home from work.  Then you can slap the stupid out of her.

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In Fairbanks, Alaska it is illegal to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.  In the Yukon,  you can ply your moose with as much whiskey as she wants with the condition that you keep your advances gentlemanly and make good on your promise to call.

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In Utah, a husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his wife while she is in his presence.  In Quebec, a husband is responsible for very little.  Lazy French bastards.

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In Arkansas, schoolteachers who bob their hair may forfeit their pay raises.  In Ontario, no matter what hairstyle they wear, schoolteachers are so underpaid that they’ve had to forfeit their right to eat meat.

I'd like to bang her erasers after school...

Photo credit:        I wouldn’t mind banging her erasers after school

In New Britain, Connecticut the speed limit for fire trucks is 25 mph, even when going to a fire.  What the fuck?  In Canada, we’re driving faster than that when we open the door and push our kids out for school.

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Hope his hose is long enough.

In Quitman, Georgia it is illegal for a chicken to cross a road.  It’s illegal in Canada too.  Unless you’re a Canada Goose, then you can do whatever the fuck you want.

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In Idaho, boxes of candy given as romantic gifts must weigh more than 50 pounds.  That explains a lot. There is no weight minimum on chocolates as gifts here in Canada but you can only have them on Valentine’s Day, Easter and Christmas.  I get them from my husband, but he eats 3/4 of them before I even get the cellophane off.

Photo credit:      This box comes with a subscription to Jenny Craig.

According to Illinois state law, it is illegal to speak English. It’s illegal in Quebec as well, but I digress.  The officially recognized language is “American”.  Okay, since I wasn’t sure what “American” was, I looked it up in the ever-popular urban dictionary and this was my favorite definition by far for “American English”

“Soon to be renamed “Microsoftonese”.

Seriously, has anyone ever managed to switch the Word spell-check to English-English?

NOTE: if you have

– obtained a PHD in a nerdy IT subject; or
– are addicted to Jolt Cola and computer games; or
– are 30+ years of age and still yet to experience a woman’s touch

Then please, PLEASE, consider that question rhetorical.”

In Kentucky, it’s illegal to remarry the same man four times.  And stupid.  I guess they figured that any woman that stupid needs a law to limit her mistakes.  She should also be prohibited from breeding.

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In Mississippi, it’s illegal to tease skunks.  Someone needs to tell Penelope Pussycat this because she’s been a skunk-tease since 1945.

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Madame Weebles (or Weebly as I affectionately call her) said she preferred “O Canada” to “Star Spangled Banner” which I personally love.  I think O Canada is bland and I have been trying to get them to replace it with this jewel by Classified.  The powers that be haven’t gotten back to me yet.  Cross your fingers!


You can visit Wendy’s blog here.